Who did Billy Mays play for?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
