OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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