Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
