Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
