feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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