I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
