You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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