I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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