there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
