Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
