My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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