his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
