I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
