I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
