Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
