Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
