They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
