So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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