Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
