like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
