Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
