I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
