; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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