I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
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