Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
