LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
