the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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