its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
