My hair reeks of homosexuality.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Randomize
