Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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