hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I could fuck to npr.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
