I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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