it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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