I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
