i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
