Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
