I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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