Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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