Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
