Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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