Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
