I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
