I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
