his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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