Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
