i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
