Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
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