it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
My bed smells like the plague
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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