I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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