is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Come see our sink grown plant.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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