i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
